Salt (2010)

Originally, I wasn’t gonna watch this movie. However, Ebert’s review made it sound like the kind of movie I’d love: braindead writing and non-stop over-the-top action. I was sorely disappointed.

What Roger said is accurate. The plot is retarded and full of holes, and the bland dialogue really doesn’t help. Anyone looking for intelligence would find it wise to stay far away from this movie, or anything else Kurt Wimmer writes, for that matter. However, if there’s one thing Kurt does well, it’s that he’s not afraid to come completely over the top with the action, as seen in his other works such as Ultraviolet (Milla Jovovich) and Equilibrium (Christian Bale). All 3 of these movies are similar in the sense that the writing is completely nonsensical and fairly unimaginative. Salt is either a Russian spy or CIA agent, and no one knows which, so the movie just shows her taking turns fighting against the Russians and Americans in a shallow attempt to keep you guessing, but ultimately, you won’t really care due to severe lack of character development.

This was exactly what I was expecting, so so far so good. Disappointment came in the action scenes, unfortunately. While Kurt had no problem having Bale gun down hundreds of fodders by his lonesome, or Milla kicking and slicing up close to 1000 fodders by herself, he seemed quite timid to have Jolie do anything remotely similar. She had her moments, such as building a rocket launcher out of cleaning supplies, or driving a car by tazering the unconscious driver in the head, but mostly she just does physics defying jumps and an occasional very slow kick. It’s stuck in this limbo where it isn’t over the top enough most of the time that you just go “wow, what”, and yet, it’s too over the top to have it be at all believable (all credibility flies out the window the second she jumps off a high speed subway and doesn’t suffer a single scratch, or even roll due to momentum).

Sadly, what she actually does is the best part of the movie. What the movie actually shows is much worse. Like many action movies nowadays, the action scenes cut at least 5 times per second while the cameras shake spaztastically. To make things worse, they’ve hired the worst special effects crew known to man since the days of Citizen Kane. There’s a scene where Jolie jumps down an elevator shaft by jumping side to side, sort of like Jackie Chan in reverse. Apparently, they also have the worst action director in the world, because they decided to show this scene perfectly clear without quick cuts or a shaky camera. The thing is, her fall trajectory is in perfect diagonal lines. I’m not against wirework, but for fucks sake, don’t be so lazy to just attach the back of her shirt to a clothesline and have her slide down when you’re trying to make us believe that she’s jumping. I’ve seen more realistic fall trajectories in old Atari 2600 games. Though to be fair, that scene was consistent with the rest of the movie in the sense that none of the laws of known physics actually apply, so I suppose gravity not causing any acceleration is the least of your worries if you’re still trying to make sense of anything.

That still isn’t the end of the problems though. The other major problem is Jolie herself. She does her own stunts in this movie, and it really shows in a bad way. Quite frankly, I’ve seen Kathy Bates run faster than Jolie. Not even the horrible camera work can hide just how out of shape she is (contrary to what fashion magazines tell you, being incredibly skinny is NOT HEALTHY). She runs slow, punches and kicks slow, jumps slow, and the most impressive physical feat she performs in the entire movie is taking off her panties while standing without lifting her skirt. I don’t have anything against action heroines (I’m a fan of Milla Jovovich, actually), but the point of an action star is kinda for them to be action packed, and you don’t really get that sense of action from Jolie in this movie. Her running for her life in this movie looks like someone trying to beat the “don’t walk” light when crossing the street. She’s terrible.

VERDICT: 3/10

While it does have a few great moments of awesome ridiculousness, it’s essentially a watered down C-level semi-superhero movie. They may as well have named it Ultraviolet 2: Plainpurple in Modern Day Minus Physics (the fact that Jolie wears a wig and clothes that make her look surprisingly similar to Violet makes me wonder if this was the original intention). Ultimately, I don’t feel the 4 or 5 great Wimmer moments make sitting through the mundane and terribly written other 90 minutes of the movie worth your time, let alone the price of admission. Quite frankly, I’d rather watch Ultraviolet again, and that movie was terrible in most of the same ways, but at least Milla can actually kick ass. The only person Jolie can out-action is present day Steven Seagal, and at least he knows his own shortcomings enough to use a stunt double for every action scene now.

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As a completely unrelated note, I’ve removed the “Upcoming Articles” page, as I realize I never actually do what it says anyways.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

Video game movies always gets the worst of reputations, and often justifiably so. I must say I haven’t played this series (outside of a PS2 demo disc), so maybe that contributes to my surprise, but this movie honestly isn’t that bad. As surprisingly good as it is, it still isn’t what I’d call a good movie. However, if you were interested in seeing this for whatever reason, hesitate no more, because what this movie isn’t, is boring.

It does suffer from quite a lot of flaws though. The plot is told almost entirely through exposition from a miscast cast of actors, many of which have heavy British accents for some reason. The fact that it’s based on the premise of a knife that can turn back time kinda nerfs what’s at stake too, though that didn’t stop them from adding copious amounts of pointless melodrama, like Dragonball Z. The dialogue in general is overly simplistic, and the princess’s dialogue is mostly annoying whining. Disney one liners and cliches are also liberally littered throughout. All this gives this movie a very childish cheesy feel to it.

While the special effects look great, the action is a bit hard to follow due to massive inconsistencies, very quick cuts, and a shaky camera. However, I’ve certainly seen much worse, and while not impressive, the action is still quite entertaining to watch. Though simplistically told, the plot does still sport quite a few twists that’ll keep your interest in what happens next. The ending is rather disappointing, and being a Disney movie, quite predictable, but all in all, not enough to ruin the experience of the other hour and a half of the movie.

That all said and done, none of its flaws are that severe that it should impede on anyone’s enjoyment of the movie. It’s better than average, and certainly better than most of the crap that’s been coming out for the past year and a half.

VERDICT: 6/10

While not good enough for me to recommend, I can say with certainty that you shouldn’t hesitate on watching this purely on the bad reputation of video game movies, because this is easily the 2nd best video game movie ever made (Silent Hill taking first, and not counting Advent Children). While it doesn’t follow the game exactly, it has more or less the same feel and roughly the same plot, unlike Resident Evil and Doom, which hardly had anything to do with anything. However, don’t expect to see anything new or impressionable from it. This isn’t Inception, but it still is entertainment, without a doubt.

Best of Arnold Schwarzenegger: The Must-See List

“Hasta la vista, baby.”

In commemoration of the recent 160 Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Quotes video that’s been circulating around, I figured this was a good time to take a quick look back at his best works. Some say that he’s just a real life cartoon character, and I agree with them. While his main rivals, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone, can only do action/comedy and badass/action effectively, respectively, Arnold can be badass, hilarious, overly macho, and is always over the top.

Obviously, you’ll have to watch the Terminators (all 3 of them) and Predator. I don’t think I need to tell you why.

Total Recall: 9/10

“MY NAME IS NOT QUAID.”

Easily one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time, most notable for its complete mindfuck plot. It will hit you with twist after twist. Sure, the effects haven’t weathered the test of time that well, but that’s easily made up for by Arnold’s surprisingly good acting performance, and some of his best Arnisms. A must see, whether Arnold fan or not, unless you’re terminally allergic to sci-fi movies.

True Lies: 9/10

“Can you make it quick? Because my horse is getting tired.”

An action/comedy/romance/thriller directed by the renowned James Cameron (The Abyss, Terminator 1, 2, Aliens, Titanic, Avatar, can this guy even make a bad movie anymore?!), starring Arnold and Jamie Lee Curtis. Already, you have to know this is going to be superb. Arnold plays a smooth and cool superspy akin to the likes of James Bond. However, his cool goes out the window when he suspects that his wife (Jamie) may be having an affair. He redirects his spy resources to spy on his wife instead in the middle of a mission tracking fanatical terrorists. It’s hilarious, fast paced, and of course, everything explodes. This is the macho guy movie that won’t put off the girlfriend. Another must-see for any movie goer.

Kindergarten Cop: 8/10

“THERE IS NO BATHROOM!”

A comedy/romance/crime movie involving drug dealers, prostitutes, kindergarteners, abusive fathers, birthday sex, and people getting shot. The first impression upon hearing the premise are almost always something along the lines of “only Uwe Boll could’ve thought of something so incredibly stupid.” And yet, somehow, the end result is fantastic. It was so surprisingly fantastic, I probably bumped up the score an entire point out of respect. Anyways, Arnold plays a detective obsessed with busting a certain drug dealer and ends up having to go undercover as a Kindergarten teacher, then hilarity ensues. It’s definitely not for kids, but it’s a great feel good movie for anyone over 13. It starts out like a typical dark Arnold action movie, but he softens up and the ending is just so satisfying. You have to see this for yourself. It also has some of the best Arnisms, which helps a lot.

Last Action Hero: 7.5/10

“Iced that guy, to cone a phrase.”

The best way to look at it is that it’s a toned down version of True Lies, without the romance. It’s an action/comedy where Arnold parodies himself. There’s no shortage of cameos (including Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone, T1000, and MC Hammer), smoking hot women, and bad puns. Sadly, it’s held back by the terrible special effects. I know it was the director’s choice to make them purposely look bad, but it was a bad choice any way you slice it. The plot isn’t particularly interesting either. A kid gets a magic ticket which gets him trapped inside an Arnold movie and ends up having to help him stop the bad guys, who eventually escape into the real world and the chase continues from there. Easily one of his most underrated movies though. Make no mistake, it’s hilarious. But that’s all it is.

Jingle All The Way: 6.8/10

“Put that cookie down, NOW!!”

Yes, I know this comedy is retarded. It may be a Christmas movie, but I would not advise you show it to children, due to the risk of infectious retardation. This movie may be ridiculous, but it’s surprisingly funny. Arnold will fight kung fu Santas, get owned by Sinbad, turn into a superhero, and give some the best Arnisms in his career. You won’t come away with much, but just look at that screenshot quote. Definitely worth checking out for an Arnold fan.

Commando: 6.7/10

“Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?…I LIED.”

Lastly, there’s the very best of his old no nonesense macho action movies. Bad guys kidnap his daughter, and he goes and kills them all. It’s over the top, ridiculous, and easily contains his best Arnisms ever. It’s braindead, and the action scenes mostly boil down to a lot of people randomly shooting around and magically all miss Arnold, so sadly, you’ll be watching purely for the Arnisms. Oh, and the scene where he rips a phone booth. Yeah, BOOTH.

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If that’s still not enough Arnold for you, here’s the runner ups, best first:
Eraser, The 6th Day, Red Heat, The Running Man

Actually, Eraser is a better movie than both Commando and Jingle All the Way. It’s just that there isn’t that many good Arnisms in it.

Pandorum (2009)

Finally, I’m reviewing a movie that isn’t horror! Though, some people throw this in that category anyways since there are monsters, but whatever. Pandorum is a sci-fi/action movie by Paul W.S. Anderson (who also did Event Horizon, Mortal Kombat, AvP, and Resident Evil). From his resume, you can probably tell he does have a spot for video game movies. And that’s what this movie feels like. Overall though, the best way to describe this movie is with one word: sloppy.

PLOT: 5

Easily the strongest point of the movie, and that really isn’t a good thing. Bower awakes from hypersleep with amnesia, which will serve as a convenient and not very interesting plot device for the rest of the movie. Shortly after, his commanding officer, Payton, also awakens with amnesia. Anyways, something’s gone wrong with the ship, and what they need to do is reset the reactor core to restore power, find out what their mission is, and figure out where they are.

After that, it progresses almost exactly like a video game, with Payton giving support over the radio while Bower climbs through the vents into the main part of the ship. He’ll meet some monsters, find NPCs that give him small tidbits of information before dying, and even pick up party members. Yes, party members. There’s this german ninja girl and kung fu Vietnamese guy (played by MMA embarrassment, Cung Le), which serve little to no purpose to the main plot and are pretty much there to give Bower a fighting chance during random encounters. There’s a black guy too, who’s this creepy jerk and only serves as another plot device to reveal some more backstory, advance the plot to the next stage, and give our heros some more trouble.

Really, the only characters in this movie are Bower and Gallo (for spoiler reasons I can’t elaborate on who he is). The ninja girl’s pretty much there for the sake of having some boobs in an otherwise male dominated cast. Cung Le’s sole purpose is to have a one on one fight with the alpha creature. The black guy is really just a plot device.

There’s a lot of subplots and twists, but none of them really lead anywhere. Mostly they just give some backstory. Almost all the twists are cliché and predictable at this point, unless you’ve been living in a hole for the past 10 years of cinema. The last one about the whereabouts of the ship is quite good, but not enough to save the established incoherent mess of a plot.

What it really boils down to is a lot of action sequences with some occasional breaks for plot revelations, just like a video game. Although in a way, the plot will keep you guessing. The results just aren’t very rewarding. Most of the plot sequences are rushed so they can throw you into the next action sequence.

Cung Le, MMA embarrassment, fighting the alpha monster boss, Seen-Too-Many-Predator-Films.

ACTING: 1.5

The lead is ok at acting scared, and complete garbage at everything else. I think the twist about his wife was supposed to upset him, probably put him into despair, except it just came out as him talking normally, but louder. The ninja girl is completely flat (her acting, not her chest). The kung fu guy is played by Cung Le, and to try to hide his absolute inability to act, they have him speak Vietnamese the whole movie. Unfortunately, this means you never have a single clue as to what the hell he’s trying to communicate. The black guy’s character is completely one-dimensional, and likewise, so is his acting, so I guess that’s not technically bad. Gallo, who you meet later, easily gives the most convincing performance, but likewise, he’s one-dimensional. That leaves me no choice but to conclude that Payton gave the most impressive performance, and quite honestly, I’ve seen better in made-for-TV movies.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: 3.5

Typical of Paul’s films, the set design is absolutely top-notch. Sadly, that’s the only good thing I can say about the screenplay.

Let’s start with the action sequences. You have the hero with his gun, a ninja girl, and an MMA reject. With this combination, you’d probably expect quite a lot of fights. There are 2. And neither are very good. The first one pits our party against one generic monster, and the choreography is actually quite good. Sadly, this is counteracted by how the camera cuts to a new angle every second.

Then there’s the fight between Cung Le and the monster leader, who’s clearly watched too many Predator movies in his days. He fights with wristblades, a spear, and has a code of honor, ffs. None of that really matters, because the directors obviously noticed that Cung Le’s fighting skills are about as good as his acting at this point, and the camera now cuts every half a second, AND shakes spaztastically so you can’t ever really see what the hell is going on.

All the other action sequences are just a lot of running around, which are also ruined by the “special effect” they use on the creatures. What they did was play the creature footage in fast forward to make them look really fast. There’s a gazillion problems with that. First of all, anyone who’s watched an episode of Knight Rider before knows that fast forward footage just looks plain retarded. Second of all, they’re outrun by our heroes anyways. To make it look even worse, the camera cuts quite often in these sequences too. It’s as if this film was specifically targetted at audiences with ADD.

This is also evident in the pacing, which is lightning fast. Too fast perhaps. A lot of people cry plot holes after seeing it, even though there aren’t any. It just moves so fast that you’d probably miss it. I’m all for fast paced action movies, but the problem here is that most action movies are braindead, while this one sports a complicated and severely convoluted plot.

PLOT: 5
ACTING: 1.5
CINEMATOGRAPHY: 3.5

VERDICT: 4 (not an average)

It’s really a shame, because this movie sports so many good ideas. It has many elements that could’ve made the film incredible. Sadly, no effort has been made to make those elements work together to make a good movie. Just goes to show that you can’t throw a gazillion good ideas together and have the result turn out good, in the same way you don’t just randomly toss 5 star ingredients together and expect it to taste good. Although you probably won’t be bored watching this movie, it’s ultimately not very rewarding. You won’t miss out if you skip it unless you’re a seriously hardcore sci-fi fan.

The Descent (2005)

This one is a bit more mainstream than my usual classic series reviews, but after watching the sequel, I just can’t help but compare the two. It’s hard to believe that the same people were involved in both movies. After all, they’re not even in the same genre. Whereas the sequel was a failed attempt at a slasher flick, the first movie is a tragedy told behind a thriller turned horror turned action movie. The result, as many of you already know, was brilliant.

PLOT: 8

Although fairly simple on the surface, this movie is quite open to interpretation. It starts off on a normal rafting trip with the main trio and Sarah’s family. On their way home, Sarah’s car crashes, sending her to the hospital and killing her husband and daughter right before her 5th birthday. You then get a foreboding scene of Sarah running away from the darkness in the hospital halls.

Knowing Sarah’s still suffering, the same time next year, Juno rounds up 6 girls to go on a cave diving trip to try to get their lives back to normal. There’s Holly, a tomboyish adrenaline-junkie always looking for a challenge. There’s the girly girl duo, Sam and Becca. And of course, the main trio consisting of Juno, the strong athletic leader, the emotionally distraught Sarah, and Beth, who’s always there to be a crutch for Sarah. Without telling the others, Juno takes the team to a new, undiscovered cave system, and predictably, things go wrong and a tunnel caves in behind them. This begins the thriller phase of the movie, where they’re simply trying to find another way out, crawling through claustrophobic tunnels and climbing over large chasms. As they descend deeper in the darkness, so does Sarah descend deeper into madness from the stress.

Left to right: Holly, Sam, Becca, Juno, Sarah, Beth

Eventually, the team runs into creatures known as crawlers: blind humanoids that hunt with sound. The team gets scattered from the first attack, and of course, having slipped into the slasher/horror genre now, they’re killed one by one. After a while, the girls learn how to effectively kill them back, and it slips into more of an action movie. That’s not what the movie’s really about though. The main focus is actually Sarah’s state of mind, and the cave and monsters serve as a metaphorical plot device. As Sarah interacts with the cave, the monsters, and her dying friends, a tragic subplot unfolds and her character changes. This is what makes the plot beautiful.

The writing isn’t perfect and there will be one or two stupid plot device moments, but it has its share of memorable lines, and the characters are different enough that you can always tell them apart just from the things the say and the way they say it, except for Sam and Becca, who’re pretty much best friends with each other and will be remembered as one, which is fine.

Becca (glowstick) and Sam (lamp), sticking together.

As far as horror movie plots, character developement, and dialogue goes, this movie is superb at it. Only legends such as Misery and Aliens (though that’s more action/thriller) have done better. The writers deserve a huge pat on the back for this.

ACTING: 7

Sarah and Juno easily steals the show here, but really, everyone delivers their part more than adequately. Moreso from those two, since their characters change throughout the movie, and rightfully so, the way they talk and use body language changes with it. A few parts might be slightly overacted, but overall, it’s very real.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: 7.2

The most important aspect of a horror movie, and The Descent doesn’t disappoint for the most part. From the claustrophobia inducing camera angles to the excellent use of light (and lack thereof) and fiddling with different light sources (including a glow stick and the nightvision from a digital camera), the cave will mostly look menacing and/or artistically beautiful. There are some scenes that are too dark and you really can’t actually see anything, but not enough to be a problem. This is coupled with a great soundtrack that always adds to the feel and meaning of the scene.

One of the prettier views of the cave.

Sadly, this doesn’t hold up for the whole movie. By the time it turns into an action movie, there will be lakes of blood and entire rooms littered with bones and corpses. While it works metaphorically, at face value, it’s a bit over the top. There’s also the set design. It looks superb most of the time, but some of the smaller movable rocks look pretty fake, along with the bones.

The film also isn’t above using sudden shocks, but they’re few and far in between, and are almost exclusively used in Sarah’s dream sequences. In the lieu of the fact that they’re being used to represent her state of mind, it’s forgivable. There are only 2 which occur normally. One was a joke, and the other marks the beginning of the horror section of the movie. The latter one was actually perfectly used. It will frighten you and not just surprise you.

In the end though, the biggest surprise to most people is that this movie really isn’t that scary. It’s widely regarded as one of the best recent horror movies, but the horror part of the movie is pretty short, and the change into an action movie later undermines the weakness of the crawlers, so it won’t give you any nightmares either. What it really is is a tense thriller with a beautifully crafted tragic plot. It’ll get your heart pumping, then torque it with a wrench before it’s all over.

PLOT: 8
ACTING: 7
CINEMATOGRAPHY: 7.2

VERDICT: 7.7/10 (not an average)

It’s not as scary as the internet makes it out to be, but it’s still a thrilling ride with an intelligent, multi-layered plot, told through great actresses and original cinematography. There really isn’t any reason for anyone who isn’t completely aversive to horror to not watch this film at least once. It does perfectly what so many movies of this type fail to do: it puts realistic people in semi-realistic situations.

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As a final note, my review is, of course, based on the uneditted and unrated UK version. The American version butchers and throws away the Sarah mental state subplot that turns this movie from a 5.5ish to a 7.7.